Reminiscing about the Railroad

5 days and 15 years ago, I quit my job on the BN. It was a time of recession, and it was heartbreaking to watch my ability to support myself and my (ex)husband evaporate. So, in a fit of frustration and anger, not knowing that IF I had held out another 90 days or so, my job as an engineer would have been secure, I took a buy-out. I sold my Trainman's Rights, not my Engineer's Rights--but their rules said I needed both to work...so...I lost my dream on a cold, overcast March day in Denver, CO.

I have regretted it ever since.



Why? My defining identity was wrapped up in my railroading, in my abilities to run trains and guide switching operations, to excel in a trade that takes skill and love to pursue well. I gave it up. Boom, in one fell swoop, I was without an identity. Part of me--an essential part, I felt for a long time--died a sudden painful death. I mourn even now, even knowing that my disability would have nailed me only a few years later anyway. It was just that I wasn't ready to end my railroading then! I wasn't tired of handling coal trains, or switching cars in the yards. It was still all shiny and fresh, every single trip.

Now all I feel is a deep sadness and anger that it all could have been different--if the BLE would have opened the Engineer's Extra Board up to us newbies (as it was designed to do) instead of keeping it as a gravy train for the older men. IF the country hadn't been in a recession due to the inanities and sloppy governing of G.H.W. Bush. IF I hadn't bought a house the year before I entered Engineer Training. So many IFS! Damn it!

Now, 15 years later (damn, has it been that long?) I sit here a different person. I am a published Author writing about--you guessed it--RAILROADING. I'm a blogger, an artist, a priestess. Do I still miss running trains? You betcha! Now, writing about running them is the best I can do--and it suffices.

I hope all the friends and folks back on the BN (now the BNSF) are doing well. Our paths have diverged, but I will never, ever forget those days so many years ago. I wish all y'all the best. Have safe trips always!

Choo Choo Q.